Sharing a secret here from this mom’s heart of hearts. I wish my adult son had more clearly identifiable anaphylactic reactions when he was growing up.

It may seem strange to say, but I wish it so he never forgot why to be careful with his multiple food allergies. I wish he could have learned from what he went through, so he wouldn’t get complacent. 

Like he is – now.

I used to congratulate myself that I’d aced protecting my son from his food allergens as he was growing up. But these days, I’m not so sure. I’m afraid I may have taken important learning opportunities away from him, as a food allergy mom in protective parenting overdrive.

Most of his many reactions when he was a kid were ambiguous – never hives, never breathing issues, just cough-cough-cough, then vomiting and rarely, a pale face. Lots of second-guessing, watching and waiting, and ultimately doing nothing. Or sometimes (mis)placing faith in an antihistamine. 

My son only used his epinephrine and went to the ER once growing up. It was during his sophomore year of college. He had a run-in with egg in a dessert – and experienced anaphylaxis. His face was pale and swollen, he vomited violently, and told me he was “so afraid” he was going to die. Heart-stopping words to hear.

Thankfully it was winter break and he was with us on a family ski trip. I was able to help him through the epi injection, the ER. All ended well.

When your ‘child’ has grown and flown, your parenting role morphs from play-calling the food allergy management to being a spectator in the stands. Often, it feels like communicating from the nosebleed seats. 

It’s hard. Very hard. You often feel powerless. You pray he doesn’t make a food allergy mistake.

Trying ‘Not-Parenting’ Parenting

In this situation, I’ve turned to what I call “not-parenting” parenting. 

This means you rely on influence (read: nagging, guilt, sharing studies and articles, scare tactics). I’m employing these as needed to encourage my adult child to make safe choices about food allergies. Face it, influence is now the best you’ve got. Your days of being in control of their safety are gone.

In this process, I have become an unapologetic, world-class nag – by phone, email, text, and during my son’s visits home (he lives three hours away). I brave the irritated  ‘eye roll’ I can hear in his voice and read in his texts and emails:

• Have you renewed your AUVI-Qs that are five months expired? Son: Yes! (A win!)
• Do you carry both AUVI-Qs that you got when you filled the prescription? Him: No. Just one.
• Have you made an appointment with the adult allergy practice I found for you? For re-testing and to update your emergency action plan? To schedule the baked egg challenge you took a pass on seven years ago? To learn about new treatments that could protect you from accidental exposures? Him: No, no, no, and no. 
• Do you remember to disclose all five of your allergies when you eat out? Not just the known-to-be severe egg and peanut allergies? Him: Sometimes.
• Are you careful when you go to the bar, sticking to your vetted, go-to drinks? Him: Not so much.
• Could you at least wipe down the airplane seat and tray on your flight home? Just in case? Him: No.

Adult Child Allergies Keep Me Awake

Food allergy tragedies reported in the news, often involving young adults, add fuel to my nagging. I understand my son just wants to live his life, that he feels so tired of being the “allergy guy”. I do. 

But he’s always seemed to need a close encounter with a brick wall before waking up to reality. And that scares me. Anaphylaxis is not a brick wall I want him to hit again. Possibly while alone.

The thought of him becoming another food allergy statistic keeps me awake at night. He is not invincible.

So I will continue to nag, to cajole, to urge my adult child to take the responsibilities of his food allergies seriously. As the mom who likely did too much of the food allergy management, I get the risks at stake. I will use whatever influence I can muster to guard against that nemesis – complacency.

Brave the Brush-Off and Keep Trying

As I’ve grown used to my new at-a-distance role in my son’s food allergy management, I’ve thought through strategies. Following are some “not-parenting” parenting tips for families with adult children with food allergies. It’s what I call parenting from 30,000 feet.

1. Don’t fear the eye roll. Push through it to deliver your message, even when your grown child doesn’t want to hear it. Be persistent, you know what’s at stake.

2. Keep your messaging consistent. Your nag-list of food allergy points needs to be short and clear. Revisit it often.

3. Make smart food allergy choices relatable. Stress the benefits of seeking food allergy care, from testing to treating.
• In some cases, a benefit might be the ability to order a muffin or eat a store-bought cake if they pass an oral food challenge or a baked milk or egg challenge.
• Another benefit: being able to eat packaged food with ‘may contain’ labeling if they try oral immunotherapy or Xolair.
• One of those therapies could lead to worrying less about cross-contact risk when out at a restaurant or on a hot date.

4. Keep doing your due diligence. Keep an eye on food allergy innovations and share them with your older child – when they give you an opening. Now re-read Points 1 through 3 to succeed. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Not-parenting parenting of an older teen or adult child with food allergies means never shying away from the hard allergy conversations. It means you brave being brushed off, dismissed. It means you keep trying. 

And as a mom, you love hard – always.   

Allergy parent Gayle Rigione is the CEO and co-founder of Allergy Force, dedicated to helping people with food allergies live full, safe lives with food allergies through education and technology. Visit AllergyForce.com.

Feature photo: Getty