{"id":435,"date":"2020-03-05T03:30:00","date_gmt":"2020-03-05T03:30:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.allergicliving.com\/thisallergiclife\/?p=435"},"modified":"2025-04-15T18:09:15","modified_gmt":"2025-04-15T18:09:15","slug":"staring-down-the-food-allergy-bully-in-a-way-that-wins","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.allergicliving.com\/thisallergiclife\/staring-down-the-food-allergy-bully-in-a-way-that-wins\/","title":{"rendered":"Staring Down the Food Allergy Bully, In a Way That Wins"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"Leila
Leila Moassessi<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

She didn\u2019t want to attend the final meeting. But my teenager Leila knew in her\nheart that if she didn\u2019t speak directly to the bully, she would be letting down\nall kids with food allergies. Little did she know, the conversation would be\nmonumental.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bully.<\/em> It’s a word that conjures up\nimages of a big, burly kid grabbing lunches out of unsuspecting hands. The\ntruer picture is that bullies come in all varieties; they play sports, can be\nhigh academic achievers and be well-admired. This makes dealing with a bully\neven harder. That is, unless your child\u2019s school taps into the growing restorative\njustice movement where accountability and restitution are the cornerstones, no\nmatter who are you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\nbegan while driving to her golf game, one sunny afternoon in October 2019.\nLeila casually mentioned that a fellow student had been making inappropriate\npeanut allergy jokes for quite some time. She had blown him off, considering\nthe person \u201cuneducated\u201d. You see, she is actually allergic to tree nuts. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Leila then explained that the offender recently upped the game by chewing a peanut butter candy bar and trying to breathe the candy bar on her!

Thankfully, Leila could not see my jaw clenching. I wanted to scream, but stayed Oscar-worthy calm, and listened sympathetically as the litany of offenses grew. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My daughter next detailed how the offender had been sitting with a small group of students and asked one of them why she “hated\u201d Leila. The student denied this, but it was clear there was no love flowing toward Leila. The bully seemed to be agitating against my daughter. He then said to the group: \u201cWhat if I threw this bag of nuts (tree nuts) at Leila?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How Could They Just Sit There?<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

From\nthe front seat, I moved on from jaw clenching to deep breathing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Only\none student in a group of about five spoke up to say that would be dangerous to\nLeila and to her, since she also has a tree nut allergy. What started as a few\njokes was blowing up into a potentially dangerous\nsituation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Someone\nwas going to get hurt. I was mad at the other kids who were highly regarded\nstudent leaders. How could they just silently sit there? Were they afraid to\nupset the bully? Did they not believe harm could be\ndone? Or did they think food allergy jokes were funny?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When\nI called the school, the progressive administrators were very concerned. Leila\nalso spoke to them, but I wanted to provide my viewpoint as a food allergy mom\nand advocate. Each freshman class receives food allergy education. The offender\nhad also known our family for more than a decade and surely had picked up food\nallergy knowledge. Or maybe not. Were we food\nallergy education failures? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

To\nmanage conflicts, Leila’s school uses restorative justice<\/a>. The process doesn’t simply punish.\nInstead, it holds an offender accountable while allowing for discussion and\nthen restitution to the aggrieved student. The school was not going to launch\ninto discipline without exploring why this student felt the jokes and behavior were\nacceptable. Equally important, the school was committed to ensuring education, restitution, and valuable discussion took\nplace.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bullying Impacts Whole School<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

I\ndidn’t get it at first. The bullying was unacceptable, and I wanted it\ncorrected. A few wise food allergy mamas helped me get my thoughts straight. As\nthe restorative justice process unfolded, my frustrations morphed into\ncuriosity. Leila and the bully each met separately with administrators. The\noffender\u2019s parents were notified of the situation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Administrators\nexplained to the offender that food allergy bullying does not only harm one\nstudent, it actually harms the entire school community. They described in\ndetail what would happen if a severe reaction occurred. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Staff would grab stock epinephrine if they could not locate\nLeila\u2019s auto-injector fast enough to administer. Next, 911 would be called.\nSirens screaming, emergency services would descend upon the school. Faculty,\nstaff, and students would stop working and worry about who was hurt and what\nhappened. Parents would lose work time as they rushed to the hospital. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Importantly,\nwho would be on the hook to pay the cost of the ambulance and Emergency Room? Worse,\nwhat if physical or emotional harm took hold for the bullied student? The\noffender quickly learned what he thought was a joke could have had legal and\ncritical health implications. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Facing Off with the Offender <\/strong> <\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Near the end of the process Leila was given her big moment: the opportunity to sit down, face-to-face, with the bully. Heading into that meeting, she says: \u201cI wanted to show him that he didn\u2019t have the power. I needed him to understand the jokes were not funny and that he was messing with something that could take away a life.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In that room, she spoke with\ncandor about how the offender’s actions could cause emotional harm, in addition\nto any physical reaction. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Leila explained the psychological concept of the “window of tolerance<\/a>” that relates brain function\nand emotional wellbeing with the amount stimuli and stress. At times, people\nwho have food allergy fall outside that window, and can tip into the defensive\nzone of fight or flight. She must constantly be alert about her food and her condition,\nbut said it was hard to feel safe and to concentrate when fellow students are\nmaking dangerous jokes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She\nspoke of being motivated to stand up to him because of fellow teens she\u2019d met\nat a food allergy teen retreat in Chicago. Some of the kids were suffering at\nthe hands of cruel bullies. Leila told the offender she worried about him being\none of these cruel bullies and, that if he continued, he might hurt someone. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

An Epic Conversation<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt was powerful to be able to explain to the bully how such actions can inflict pain or harm. No one likes being called out, but this is critical if you are going to become a good human with morals,\u201d Leila later told me.

It was an epic conversation, and I could not be prouder. Leila clearly told this student of consequences that would not have otherwise been understood. One other interesting point: at the beginning of this meeting, the school administrators referred to Leila as “the victim”. She promptly advised them, she was nobody’s victim. Rather, she is the one in the room with the knowledge of the condition and its impact.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\nnever did find out what punishment the administrators imposed on the bully, since\nit didn\u2019t matter to us. The offender received a powerful lesson, and the “joking”\nabruptly stopped. The school received the gift of knowledge of what happens\nwhen bullies and food allergies collide. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Most of all, Leila learned that some battles will be won with words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Caroline Moassessi is the founder of GratefulFoodie.com<\/a> and a frequent contributor to Allergic Living. She and and her family live in Nevada. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Related Reading:<\/strong>
Food Allergy Bullying: How to Spot It and Actions to Take<\/a>
Risk Taking and Allergic Teens \u2013 What I\u2019ve Learned<\/a>
Twitter Jokes About Food Allergy: the Trouble with Disease Disrespect<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My daughter was given her big moment to sit face-to-face, with the bully. \u201cI wanted to show him \u2013 he didn\u2019t have the power.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":17480,"featured_media":439,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_post_subheading":"My daughter faced her bully as part of restorative justice process at her school: \"It was powerful to explain how such actions can inflict pain or harm.\" The allergy harassment abruptly stopped.","_post_shorttitle":"Facing Off with The Bully","_post_transparent":false,"_post_datehidden":true,"_post_disableads":false,"episode_type":"","audio_file":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","filesize_raw":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[20],"tags":[510,395,396,507,74,394,403,401,400,508,511,402,399],"ppma_author":[1257],"class_list":["post-435","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-teens-and-college","tag-allergy-bullying","tag-bully","tag-bullying","tag-caroline-moassessi","tag-food-allergy","tag-food-allergy-bullying","tag-food-allergy-high-school","tag-food-allergy-school","tag-kids-with-food-allergies","tag-leila-moassessi","tag-managing-bullying","tag-restorative-justice","tag-teen-food-allergy"],"yoast_head":"\nStaring Down the Food Allergy Bully, In a Way That Wins - This Allergic Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"My daughter didn\u2019t want to attend the meeting. 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