Talking Allergies

Ok, my husband's co-worker has invited everyone from the office (families included) to a BBQ at his home. What is the protocol for me asking/not asking about allergens. If our son was even a couple years older I think I wouldn't say too much, it isn't our home and it isn't our party..BUT..our son is 2 yrs old. Everyone eating with their hands, there will be plates of food everywhere, being put down on the ground, down on tables, dirty napkins floating about the yard, you all know how an outdoor BBQ is. If I say something I come across like I'm taking over a party which isn't mine to take over. But if I don't say something and then there are shrimp rings and bowls of nuts or nut encrusted cheese or nuts in salads/desserts or burger buns dripping sesame seeds all about -then what?? They will feel worse if we have to just up and leave.
Do we just opt out...we had to with the Christmas party...long story but there was no way in h____ I could have taken our son there safely and I was advised as much by the host.

Where is the line for being able to suggest say buns without sesame seeds etc..??????

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DD 12 yrs -no allergies
4 yr old DS - asthma/eczema Anaphylactic to Peanuts, all tree nuts, sesame , all pea/lentil legumes, gelatin.
Allergic to trees, grass,ragweed, feathers, dander, mold and dust.
Outgrew eggs, fish, shellfish

We've always attended these types of functions with absolutely no demands for accomodation. We simply bring our own food for our son, and watched him like a hawk so that he didn't eat anything that he shouldn't have ... and he never did. Funny ... I think even as a toddler he knew not to eat stuff until Mommy or Daddy gave him the OK. He knew what exposure to dairy felt like even then although his 1st anaphylaxis wasn't until he was 4. People always noticed and asked why our son was eating separately, and I think they appreciated that we hadn't disrupted the whole picnic / party. My experience has been that people just DON'T GET IT, so even asking for accomodations I would never have trusted that things were safe.

Thanks, my husband is on the same page as you. The more I think about it the more I know you are both correct. I know that he couldn't eat anything whatsoever anyway but it is the greasy dirty fingers as most summer food is eaten with hands that makes me shiver.
I would really like to try and go, I know so many others of you attend such events with your kids without incident...... big breath, this is the next big hurdle I'm venturing over.

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DD 12 yrs -no allergies
4 yr old DS - asthma/eczema Anaphylactic to Peanuts, all tree nuts, sesame , all pea/lentil legumes, gelatin.
Allergic to trees, grass,ragweed, feathers, dander, mold and dust.
Outgrew eggs, fish, shellfish

We do the same for my son. My mom tries very hard but doesn't understand the "hiddens". Everyone is used to us bringing his on milk and things for him. People tend to understand and accept it more when you go about it that way.

Having said that if we are going somewhere that we do know(mom's my in-laws) I sometimes ask if I can bring something, and then the topic of the menu is discussed and from there I get to know what is being served so he can have something similar.

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Tracy
A 4 -Gluten-free, dairy-free and soy-free. Also asthma, pulmonary stenosis, developmental delays, Noonan Syndrome, and environmental allergies.
T 7 - asthma and environmental allergies. And a wonderful big sister to her little brother

The nice thing about a BBQ is that it's outdoors. It's harder to avoid allergens in tight quarters.
Go, bring food, be prepared to leave if it gets too stressful and enjoy.

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Moderator
Daughter: asthma, allergies to egg, milk, peanuts, tree nuts, most legumes (not soy) & penicillin. Developing hayfever type allergies.
Husband: no allergies
Me: allergies to some tree that flowers in May
Cat: allergic to beef, pork and lamb

The BBQ turned into an indoors event due to the rain. We knew it was a very small (exclusive, but small) condo so we decided not to go. It turns out it was a good thing as one of my husbands co-workers told him after wards that there were many bowls of nuts out and lot of food containing nuts and peanuts. If we had gone we would have had no choice but to leave.
So in the future, again, how do the rest of you manage this. I agree it isn't our event to suggest food but if we had gone and then had to leave that too would have been just as awkward for everyone and I'd hate to hurt the host's feelings. So do other of you just ask before hand, are there nut product on the menu and then not go or go and hope for the best?? I will always no matter where we go take our son's own food, that is easy enough, but with so many people eating nuts etc. with their hands what do you all do?

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DD 12 yrs -no allergies
4 yr old DS - asthma/eczema Anaphylactic to Peanuts, all tree nuts, sesame , all pea/lentil legumes, gelatin.
Allergic to trees, grass,ragweed, feathers, dander, mold and dust.
Outgrew eggs, fish, shellfish

We have been to many of my husbands co-workers parties since with our PA daughter. My husband is pretty bold and will respond to the invitation by saying that we can come as long as there aren't any nuts being served. We always bring something for her to eat and there are usually a few things that are safe for her being served (chips, etc.) People have always been accommodating but that being said our daughter doesn't have as many allergies as your son. It was always really stressful when we first started going to parties, especailly pot-luck parties and it still is to an extent but it's getting better as she gets older. It's funny really, my husbands co-workers are often more accommodating than members of our own family! I guess those with young kids understand how serious and prevalent food allergies are as opposed to grandparents, great aunts & uncles, etc. who have had no exposure to food allergies before our kids.

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Mother of a fantastic little girl with peanut allergy, cat & dust sensitivities

I personally don't see a problem with letting a host know that your child has food allergies... then say that you will bring your own food for your child. I would feel bad if I was serving seafood, and had even one person that was allergic at the party...

I've always asked when someone is coming to our home for the first time if they have any allergies or sensitivities to food. I've always done this.. even before V.. I have never known anyone with true food allergies before, but I want people to come to my home and feel comfortable, have a good meal, and leave feeling good. If I have someone show up who is lactose intolerant and I serve lasagna... they are not going to be comfortable or feel good when they leave, so I would prefer to know ahead of time.

I guess it also depends on the person hosting the party. If I didn't feel comfortable saying anything to the host, for whatever reason, I would probably decline gracefully.

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DD: 11/19/08 allergy to eggs and peanuts

Honestly, I and my FI are personally of the opinion that when it comes to close friends/family, no peanut/nuts is the rule for us coming. However, for work obligations, I feel you can't tell coworkers...etc what you can and cannot serve so if we know there is going to be a risk we politely decline.

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Moi: Pineapples, Turkey and Asthma.
Fiance: Ana. to Dairy, Eggs, Peanuts/Nuts and Horse. Also has asthma.

Today my DS and I went shopping. A flatbed truck was there unloading a little trailer in front of the grocery store. We watched and then went in to do our shopping. On our errands we ran into a supervisor there and asked what was happnin'.

He said our favourite grocery store would be going under renovations soon, and the person doing the computor stuff was sensitive to the paints, dust etc. so they are renting the trailer so that person can still do their job.

Sometimes, things are just so darn good!

Michele

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Myself - Seasonal, cats
dd-asthma (trigger - flu) anaphylactic to eggs, severe allergies to bugspray and penicilin,pulmicort
ds-Seasonal, cats and OAS
dh-allergy cats, bugspray and guava, outgrew egg allergy

What's the name of your store? They deserve praise!

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Moderator
Daughter: asthma, allergies to egg, milk, peanuts, tree nuts, most legumes (not soy) & penicillin. Developing hayfever type allergies.
Husband: no allergies
Me: allergies to some tree that flowers in May
Cat: allergic to beef, pork and lamb

Oh, it's our local IGA - probably soon Sobeys.

I told the fellow I was very impressed.

Of course, this could be manditory in regulations somewhere- it's getting harder to just get rid of people you know. OH &S maybe?

Michele

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Myself - Seasonal, cats
dd-asthma (trigger - flu) anaphylactic to eggs, severe allergies to bugspray and penicilin,pulmicort
ds-Seasonal, cats and OAS
dh-allergy cats, bugspray and guava, outgrew egg allergy

I would personally avoid such a situation, but if we do take our kids to someone else's house I always mention the peanut allergies.

It's true that people don't get it, a friend hosted a party and even went as far as to check labels on crackers etc, but then had bowls of nuts & open boxes of chocolates. I am so uncomfortable having my kids around those situations that I prefer to avoid them.

DH usually goes to work/food parties alone, or very rarely we'll hire a sitter and go together.

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DSs 7,7,9 all PA

Funny this thread was brought up again as we are closing in on holiday season. I have opted this year to just not even try go to any of my DH's work related events regardless if they are trying to involve families or not.
The line between our son's safety and what is appropriate to suggest/request is just too touchy and puts so much un needed tension on DH and myself (between ourselves)

We luckily have some very good family friends who go out of their way when our DS is coming over.

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DD 12 yrs -no allergies
4 yr old DS - asthma/eczema Anaphylactic to Peanuts, all tree nuts, sesame , all pea/lentil legumes, gelatin.
Allergic to trees, grass,ragweed, feathers, dander, mold and dust.
Outgrew eggs, fish, shellfish

Every family obviously makes their own decisions in this arena and we are in the "go and watch like a hawk" most of the time.

A suggestion if you do go:
I used to put a big sticker on DS's shirt with a no peanut symbol and saying "Please don't offer me food. Check with my Mommy first"

We don't do that now that he is older but I found it quite helpful in the toddler/preschool years.

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DS 1: anaphylactic to peanuts, allergic to fish
DS 2: asthma